Long Distance Relationship Advice – Follow Me To Vancouver, CA

GUM LOVE

 

 

What strange secret made rich, beautiful, tempestuous Bella Baxter irresistible to the poor Scottish medical student Archie McCandless? Was it her myseterious origin in the home of his monstrous friend Godwin Baxter, the genius whose voice could perforate eardrums? This story of true love and scientific daring whirls the reader from the private operating-threatre of late Victorian Glasgow through aristocratic casinos, low-life Alexandria and a Parisian bordello, reaching an interrupted climax in a Scottish church.

 

What strange secret made beautiful, tempestuous, Texan, Katie Ryder irrestible to the English literature student Jakob Hofmann. Was it her mysterious origin in the USA? This story of true love and scientific daring whirls from the gurning heights of Glasogw’s SW3 to the pastures of the Botanics and Kelvingrove, slurping half ‘n’ halfs in the Arlington and dunking baguettes in Naked Soup.

 

Veteran Romantic Jakob Hofman shares his 7 tips for the couple trying to make it long distance:

 

1) Skype Sex

 

Urban Dictionary calls it: (noun) the act of performing sexual intercourse, acts, or favours using skype including, but not limited to the following: stripping, masturbating, dirty talk, licking the camera, licking anything, food sex, inserting objects into body orifices.

 

We say: if you know a couple living apart you know a couple who spend a night or two a week making sweaty, pixelated one handed love to themselves. Embrace it. Open some wine and see if you can get into it. Dim the lights, find your best angles, and prepare for the crushing loneliness that accompanies an E-climax. Before long the metallic tinkle of an incoming Skype call will have a positively Pavlovian effect on you. And be assured, we all do it.

 

2) Be Resourceful.

 

Crossing Canada for the long weekend can be an exhaustive endeavour for the time poor and generally poor romantic abroad. Between the monopolised Canadian flights at $300 (£180) a pop and the fifteen hour Greyhound (Megabus), more conventional ways of travel might seem unattainable. Consider instead posting on Craigslist (GumTree) asking for a ride.

 

Be warned- this modus operandi isn’t for the faint hearted or unarmed. The only vetting process to post or reply on Craigslist is access to something than can access the internet. A car can seem like a very small, steel, speedy box once a confirmed nutter gets behind the wheel.

 

3) Adopt a Mentor/Buddy system.

 

The internet (I’m looking at you eHow, Buzzfeed) is useless for advice; Bunch of monkeys on typewriters telling you to make eye contact and spellcheck your CV. Instead locate and adhere to a couple who’ve run the long distance gauntlet and come up smiling. They’ll know the fears, insecurities, likely catalysts for loneliness, and tricks. Try your local immigration detention centre, prison, or oil rig.

 

Failing this, read a book about love long distance. You might feel alone in your halls or flat, but the bookshops of Glasgow are packed with lovers kept cruelly apart. Try Heloise and Abelard, where better to start than the letters of a castrated 12th century monk to the scholar turned nun he seduced and impregnated?

 

4) The Man on the Ground

 

A you-positive friend of flatmate is an essential tool in the arsenal of the Long Distance Romantic. Planning to surprise your loved one with the time honoured Naked Cake Jump routine? You’ll need a set of keys beneath the mat and half a dozen eggs picked up. Have an 8 hour window to fill while your SO is at an unshirkable shift? You’ll probably want someone you can have a few beers with in her city.

 

5) Keep it off Facebook.

 

The Digital Wedding Ring of a relationship status is invaluable to indicate takenness and being uninterested. Leave the Social Network side of your relationship there. You check in at JFK, you check in at O’ Hare, you wake up at DFW. Nobody wants to see it. A youtube link to a song we can ALL enjoy? Fine. A genuinely hilarious photo? Acceptable. A status telling your 748 “friends” it’s been a year? Revolting. A cutesy faux arguement splayed across the ether like a petulant Jackson Pollock? Nauseating.

 

#PDA #Tacky #Notspecifictolongdistancebutgoodtogetoffmychest #Youknowwhoyouare

 

6) Because we’re better than you- and we know it.

 

Hygiene/grooming aside, there are few upshots to seeing the love of your life once a month. Make one of them the legitimate arrogance that you can make it work transatlatically. Don’t be bitter that your pals get to see one another every single day- just know that what you’re in is…better.
“Oh so your girlfriend ALSO studies medicine and lives just the other side of Byres Rd? Tell me more about how she’s The One”

 

You know its meant to be when the dream is same same citizenship and everything is striving to keep you apart. Stay strong. Oh and don’t piss away the snatches of time you find to spend together.

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