Science 1 on 1 with Simon Ince

We all know that we are smarter than Monkeys and Chimpanzees and Mandrills. That has been established for a lot of years, probably well over a 100 of them.


Now though scientists and zoo keepers are starting to realise that not only can Monkeys break bread, write prose and build advanced children’s jigsaw puzzles but they can also speak. No, I know what you’re thinking and you’re incorrect, they don’t use words but various Monkey noises. They don’t use any words, the majority of their communications based on the noises, which makes the majority of their conversations just habbledash and flibbley-pop but it’s a start for them.


Scientists were baffled that our closest primate relative; the Chimpanzee, is not as vocal as the Marmosets are with the Chimpanzee preferring to use more hand signals, destroying the long established myth that Chimpanzees are clever. Anyone knows that if the human race was to talk in only hand signals, we’d never know what was around corners, what was for tea or be able to give long distance lorry drivers abuse on short wave radio systems.


I would still stock up on paper and dig a hole in your back garden though as when the Marmosets take over they will want your fealty in writing, just so they can show off to the chimps that they can converse on both a verbal and non-verbal level, just to really get it up them.

In other news, scientists in America have most likely decided that it probably rains diamonds on Saturn, they revealed to a perhaps full house at the Dallas conference center. The biggest diamonds are definitely a centimeter in diameter when they fall, similar to a diamond you might could possibly perhaps find on a potential wedding ring but of course there are no rings attached to them on Saturn. When asked by skeptical idiots at the “Big Barbecue Wing Dingz and Science Weekender Marathon” in the Dallas conference center how the scientists knew that it perchance rained diamonds on Saturn as there was no possible way for them to go and observe the occurrence on Saturn they replied; “It all boils down to the chemistry. And we think we’re pretty certain.” Another fascinating week in the world of Science I’m particularly sure you could and might maybe agree. That’s all from me this week! Keep the faith science pioneers and look to the stars.


— ‘Simon Ince’


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