[Words and art by Ella Field (she/her)]
Content warning: rape, sexual harassment, death.
Sometimes I look back at my younger self
as oestrogen surged
and hips stretched and boobs swelled
and so began the stares, the comments, the hands, the hell
that is every woman’s reality
in this man’s world.
I look at her
young and sweet
mounds of flesh on her chest
but just a girl underneath.
Too young to make sense
of her sexuality
but thrust into the male gaze
at just fourteen.
I look at her
innocent as can be
struggling to understand what this whole woman thing means
‘a woman’s value is her attractiveness’
society screams
take it as a compliment!
ignore your unease!
I look at her
unsure to know how to act feel or be
confused by cat calls
proof of womanhood? Predatory?
confused when ‘no’
was unheard or harder to say
than she was told it would be.
I look at her
and want to tell her all I’ve now felt learnt and seen
to protect her
to snatch her innocence
before that innocence is stolen
painfully.
But then I look at her
and look back at me
suddenly I wish that that innocent girl could still be.
Why have I had to learn the things I’ve learnt?
and see the things I’ve seen?
Why’ve I had to build up walls
of protection around me?
And the sad thing is
when I look back at little me
despite her innocence,
all her naivety,
despite all I’ve learnt
I know I’m still no safer than she.
I may be more numb, more expecting
and with clearer boundaries
but it’s obvious
from the awful events of this week
that no amount of knowledge
will protect women from violent male creeps
who are in this case, and many others,
the institutional props we call the police.
Right now every woman I know is hurting.
For Sarah, for her family
for all the victims of gendered violence
reminded that they are all of us
or could be.
The trauma that these events remind us of
is overwhelming, all consuming
felt collectively.
So men, we ask you to be with us
to raise your voices in solidarity
we don’t expect you to get it
at least not at first, not completely.
But please, find your anger and compassion
if you can’t find empathy
the patriarchy fucks us all
mother, sister, father, brother, friend
so your silence makes no sense to me.
Please chat with the guys, with the girls,
reflect on what you’ve learnt and seen
talk about where you might have gone wrong
because a lot of you have gone wrong it seems.
Think about how you uphold the system
and what you want to do differently
The problem is all of ours
always has been, always will be
and to not engage is a choice and privilege
which causes casualties.
I take one last look at her
at the girl who was once me
and wish I could hold her, console her,
give her a big squeeze
I wish I could let her know she’ll find her voice
and with that more inner peace
I wish I could tell her that I’m proud of her
of all she was and all she’ll be.
